Recognizing Narcissists and Taking Your Life Back August 03 2020
If you've dealt with a narcissist, chances are you may still be trying to heal from them. You may also be someone who doesn't know that the person wreaking havoc in their lives is a narcissist. With so much great information online about narcissists and help so you can recover and heal from them, these articles will give you:
- Tips, pointers, and questions to ask to determine if you're dealing with a narcissist,
- Understanding what narcissists do, that "Now I get it" breakthrough you need,
- Help for getting away from narcissists and understanding "no or low contact",
- Addressing how narcissists use "flying monkeys" to attack you and "gaslighting" to confuse you,
- A closing prayer to help you. Don't worry. That devil is defeated and you can have your life back - successfully. Praise God!
Disclaimer: We are not seeking in any way to diagnose narcissism and we are not clinical counselors, but the articles can help you understand various personality types. If you are dealing with someone displaying these traits, you may want to speak with your doctor who can recommend a therapist to help you. Before you bring the person with you to therapy, work on healing yourself first and read articles about narcissists in therapy because they can be expert manipulators making it appear like "you are the problem" and you don't want the narcissist and the therapist ganging up on you. If you are dealing with a violent person, call 911, as you should never put up or tolerate abuse.
Buckle up! We're going in...
What is a Narcissist? How to Recognize Them...
By ANA. For the full article, please click the link below:
The Manipulation and Love Bombing
The manipulation all started on the very FIRST day you met this Narcissist when you experienced that extreme charm that set you up to fall prey to their abusive lifestyle and become the next target or source of supply – but you believed it was love and that started you out on this horrendous journey with a personality disordered Narcissist.
A little bit more clarity about this ‘love bombing.’ The Narcissist was constantly assessing you and then mirrored back to you everything that was positive about you and it felt like you had so much in common and you felt a bond. The truth is that he/she was reflecting back onto and into you exactly what you wanted or NEEDED to hear so you would believe in their facade which was really a trap to con you into their agenda! The Narcissist was grabbing all of your attention and focusing it right back onto you. If he/she didn't gain this type of control over you then you might not be his/her most viable source of supply and they did it quickly once they assessed you as a good and viable source of supply. Again, this is purely manipulation to gain your complete trust and dependence on him/her and to control you.
Think about it in simpler and non-clinical terms. Love bombing really isolates you and it doesn't give you much time to think about anything but them or what is happening. It hides the real truth about them and within a very short period of time, it takes ALL of your time and attention away from your life in general and other people AND again isolates you with all the amazing attention. It moves the relationship forward without giving you enough real time to assess the whole situation. It is just too good to be true so you go with it because it resembles that fairy tale prince/princess charming or something very familiar to that dream of meeting your soul mate!
It is really mind control with an agenda. Wow he/she really likes me and is this the ‘real’ love of my life? We have SO much in common so how could this be anything but the real thing! You feel like you know him/her so completely perhaps in another life? This person really LOVES ME! It blinds you in a manner that reality is thrown out the window. This is what fairy tales are made of and WOW can it be real? Well it was just a fairytale but with a horrendous ending!
How Does Someone Become a Narcissist?
By Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D. For the full article, please click the link below:
Narcissism, in lay terms, basically means that a person is totally absorbed in self. The extreme narcissist is the center of his own universe. To an extreme narcissist, people are things to be used. It usually starts with a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he has a major attachment dysfunction. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood. He became emotionally stuck at the time of his major trauma of separation/attachment.
How Does a Narcissist Think?
By Karyl McBride, Ph.D. For the full article, please click the link below:
Is the word narcissism being over-used and thrown around lightly? Do we need a deeper understanding of narcissistic behavior and why it is harmful and even dangerous? Having studied this disorder for over 25 years, and in treating many victims of narcissists, I have seen firsthand how dangerous, harmful, and disarming the narcissist can be to others. There are certain traits of the narcissist that don’t really matter so much, like the obvious boasting to cover up their fragile sense of self. But, when the behaviors hurt others and particularly children, it does matter. A lot. I think it’s important to break down narcissism from a clinical standpoint using the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as a guide.1 This guide for mental health clinicians lists nine traits seen in the personality disorder of narcissism. Let’s unpack with some examples.
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors, or attitudes.
Characteristics of Narcissists...
By Parrish Miller. This article's 24-points have been condensed. Please see the link below for the full article:
1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.
2. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate or given to others off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours.
3. She favoritizes. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants.
4. She undermines. Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished.
5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates. She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person's side even if she doesn't know them at all.
6. She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she's done, she'll tell you that you have "a very vivid imagination" (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don't know what you're talking about, or that she has no idea what you're talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called "gaslighting," common to abusers of all kinds.
7. She's envious. Any time you get something nice she's angry and envious and her envy will be apparent when she admires whatever it is. She'll try to get it from you, spoil it for you, or get the same or better for herself.
8. She's a liar in too many ways to count. Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it's a fair bet that she's lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she'll lie to them about what other people have said, what they've done, or how they feel.
9. She has to be the center of attention all the time. This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration. Older narcissistic mothers often use the natural limitations of aging to manipulate dramas, often by neglecting their health or by doing things they know will make them ill.
10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain. This exceptionally sick and bizarre behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that their children often call them "emotional vampires."
11. She's selfish and willful. She always makes sure she has the best of everything. She insists on having her own way all the time and she will ruthlessly, manipulatively pursue it, even if what she wants isn't worth all the effort she's putting into it and even if that effort goes far beyond normal behavior.
12. She's self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are very important; yours are insignificant to the point that her least whim takes precedence over your most basic needs.
13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism. If you criticize her or defy her she will explode with fury, threaten, storm, rage, destroy and may become violent, beating, confining, putting her child outdoors in bad weather or otherwise engaging in classic physical abuse.
14. She terrorizes. For all abusers, fear is a powerful means of control of the victim, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren't present.
15. She's infantile and petty. Narcissistic mothers are often simply childish. If you refuse to let her manipulate you into doing something, she will cry that you don't love her because if you loved her you would do as she wanted.
16. She's aggressive and shameless. She doesn't ask. She demands. She makes outrageous requests and she'll take anything she wants if she thinks she can get away with it.
17. She "parentifies." She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could.
18. She's exploitative. She will manipulate to get work, money, or objects she envies out of other people for nothing.
19. She projects. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you.
20. She is never wrong about anything. No matter what she's done, she won't ever genuinely apologize for anything.
21. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings. She'll occasionally slip and say something jaw-droppingly callous because of this lack of empathy.
22. She blames. She'll blame you for everything that isn't right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is
- Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable.
- Manipulating. She's making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties.
- Being selfish. She doesn't mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way.
- Blaming. She did something wrong, but it's all your fault.
- Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
- Putting on a self-pitying drama. She's a martyr who believed the best of you, and you've let her down.
- Parentifying. You're responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.
23. She destroys your relationships. Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted.
24. As a last resort she goes pathetic. When she's confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness.
The Narcissist Blames You...
By Alexander Burgemeester. For the full article, see the link at the end:
A narcissist may do something egregiously abusive to you, yet when confronted will scream at you that she can’t believe you were so selfish as to upset her over such a trivial thing. She’ll also blame you for your reaction to her selfish and exploitative behavior e.g., she can’t believe you are so petty and so childish as to balk at her giving your favorite dress away to her friend. She thought you would be happy to let her do something nice for someone else.
Narcissists go into rages in which they blame and criticize others. They seem like small children throwing huge tantrums, frightening those around them. The anger of narcissists is not only frightening, it is demeaning. Their criticism evolves from their steadfast conviction that others don’t meet their high standards–or worse, that others aren’t letting them get their own way. “Narcissistic injuries,” or wounds to the ego, are often the impetus for narcissistic rages- which can be manifested as aggressive or passive-aggressive, planned out or impulsive. They feel they are superior to you and that you have displeased them; therefore, they feel you deserve whatever punishment they will dole out.
How a Narcissist Can Derail You
By Karyl McBride, Ph.D. For the full article, please see the link:
What is it about narcissistic behavior that leaves one scratching their head and wondering what just happened? A narcissist can derail someone in minutes, due to their own issues. To say this confuses you, shocks you, or throws you off your game is an understatement. But why does it happen? What is it about this personality that is so devastating to people in relationships?
The common understanding of narcissism is someone who is boastful and arrogant, or all about themselves. But it is a much deeper, more complicated psychological issue. A narcissist is usually unable to see the impact of their behavior because they are so out of touch with their feelings.
The cornerstone of the personality is lack of empathy—an inability to tune into the emotional world of others. When bad things happen, others are blamed; narcissists are not accountable for their own behavior. When they have bad feelings, those feelings are projected onto others. Deep down, the narcissist may be self-loathing, with a very fragile ego. Their sense of self is missing or undeveloped. They have a need to be right and to win at all costs, and since their very survival depends on this, they don't give up until they have torn others down to make themselves feel larger or superior. Attempts to reason with them are typically a lost cause. You will likely be blamed for making them feel bad, and they may be vengeful and never get over feeling injured.
One of the dangerous things that happens when you're involved with a narcissist is that their ability to chip away at your self-esteem can lead you to self-doubt. People coming out of relationships with narcissists typically have a feeling of never being good enough. They experience crippling self-doubt because they have been told for so long that they are somehow wrong. As an anonymous reader recently wrote to me:
“One of my favorite examples: My ex-husband didn’t pay the light bill. He came home furious that the children and I were using candles. I showed him the delinquent bill and he yelled, ‘I paid that bill, are you going to believe your eyes or me?' as we stood there in the dark.”
The 8 Most Common Narcissistic Conversation Control Tactics
By Bree Bonchay, LCSW. The 8 items have been condensed. For the full article, please see the link below:
Conversations with a narcissist, especially if you hold opinions about anything that contradict with their opinion of what is the gospel truth, are jam-packed with a barrage of covert manipulation tactics, that are intrinsic to the narcissist, and entrenched in their personality. They will make you wish you had never disagreed with them in the first place, and regret that you ever dared to express your point of view. A simple disagreement will often incite a full-fledged attack on you. Somehow, they manage to twist the conservation, so you wind up feeling like the bad guy/girl, while they assume the role of the innocent victim –of you.
CONVERSATIONS ARE NOT CONVERSATIONS, THEY ARE VERBAL COMPETITIONS
Narcissists never enter into conversations. They enter into verbal competitions. Their goal is to win at all costs. They have no interest in seeking understanding, clarification or compromise, or in reaching a meeting of the minds. Their conversations are only meant to manipulate, confuse, control, destabilize, deflect accountability, cast doubt, distort reality, and create drama.
ENABLERS AND TONGUE BITERS
Narcissists only surround themselves with people who are either so charmed by them that they blindly believe every word they say is true or people who have learned that it’s easier to keep their mouths shut rather than reap the wrath of expressing an opposing opinion.
Anyone in a narcissist’s life that doesn't fall into one of the two categories of Enablers or Tongue Biters will certainly be given the boot. But, first, the narcissist will discipline you with their collection of manipulation tactics, so when they do give you the boot, you will be sure to go out believing the reasons for your dismissal were all your fault.
THE 8 MOST COMMON CONVERSATION MANIPULATION TACTICS
1. TOPIC SWITCHEROO
Here’s how this works. You and your narcissist are in the middle of a conversation; it’s going well until you disagree, or present facts that contradict the narcissist’s point of view. The narcissist knows that your facts are indisputable, and you have the upper-hand. So, to gain control of the conversation, and win the argument, the narcissist will deviate into a tangent of verbal vomit attempting to hoodwink you, and pull the ole’ topic switcheroo. Before you know it, you’re discussing something totally unrelated to the original conversation, and you find yourself in defensive mode about some issue the two of you disagreed on last year.
2. THE BLAME GAME
Blame shifting is usually a tactic used subsequently to the Topic Switcheroo. The narcissist, like a magician, successfully changes the topic and diverts your attention by pointing the finger at you, and you suddenly find yourself on the defensive end of the conversation stick.
Hypocrisy is the narcissist’s middle name. What they say and do, when no one is watching, is drastically different from what they say and do in the presence of others. Since they are all about maintaining their false persona, they use projection to rid the unwanted traits in their character.
4. TURNING UP THE VOLUME
When narcissists act with a disproportionate amount of anger or rage, by increasing the volume and tempo of their voice, you can bet that they’re trying to shock and bully you. Their actions are an absolute declaration of psychological warfare. Their increased volume is a ploy to get to you to back off.
5. PLAYING THE VICTIM
There is much truth in the quote: “Deceit’s favorite role is playing the victim.” It’s no wonder why, when the narcissist isn’t playing the role of the hero, he/she is playing the role of poor victim. Through garnering pity, narcissists will play the victim, while vilifying the real victim, as a way of concealing their abusive behavior, and avoid taking responsibility for their cruel, and deceitful actions.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, so insidious, that many articles have been written about it. Narcissists use this tactic in conversations, by purposely altering, or not sharing information, and replacing it with false information. This tactic is designed to systematically dismantle the victim’s ability to trust their own judgment, and undermine their confidence to the point where they begin to doubt their own memories, and judgments, thus, rendering them highly suggestible to the narcissist’s opinion.
For example, a narcissist may casually, but consistently, suggest how their memory is superior to yours, especially if you ever admit to being forgetful about anything. They may even go so far as hiding or rearranging your belongings, intentionally trick you into believing your memory is faulty.
Narcissists are notorious conversation interrupters. They love to be the center of attention and control the focus of the conversation. They have no interest in having a two-way discussion with you. If you dare attempt to get a word in edge-wise or make your point of view heard, if it at all contradicts the narcissist’s point of view, your opinion will most likely be ignored, or dismissed.
8. THE SILENT TREATMENT
The silent treatment is probably one of the most common forms of emotional abuse used by narcissists, when all the above tactics have been tried, and have failed. Narcissists use the silent treatment, as a form of punishment for not acquiescing to their point of view, or as the way to gain the upper hand, and control in their relationships.
The Six Faces of Maternal Narcissism...
By Karyl McBride, Ph.D. For the full article, see the link included:
The Flamboyant-Extrovert: This is the mother about whom movies are made. She's a public entertainer, loved by the masses, but secretly feared by her intimate house partners and children. She's the show biz or stage mom and is all about performing. She's noticeable, flashy, fun and "out there." Some love her but you despise the masquerade she performs for the world. You know that you don't really matter to her and her show, except in how you make her look to the rest of the world.
The Accomplishment-Oriented: To the accomplishment-oriented mother, what you achieve in your life is paramount. Success depends on what you do, not who you are. This mom is about grades, best colleges and pertinent degrees. But... if you don't accomplish what she thinks you should, she is deeply embarrassed and may even respond with fury and rage.
The Psychosomatic: The psychosomatic mother uses illness and aches and pains to manipulate others, to get her way, and to focus attention on herself. She cares little for those around her. The way to get attention from this kind of mother is to take care of her. This kind of mother uses illness to escape from her own feelings or from having to deal with difficulties in life. You cannot be sicker than she. She will up the ante.
The Addicted: A parent with a substance abuse issue will always seem narcissistic because the addiction will speak louder than anything else. Sometimes when the addict sobers up the narcissism seems less but not always. The bottle or drug of choice will always come before the child.
The Secretly Mean: The secretly mean mother does not want others to know that she is abusive to her children. She will have a public self and a private self, which are quite different. These mothers can be kind and loving in public but are abusive and cruel at home. The unpredictable, opposite messages to the child are crazy-making.
The Emotionally Needy: While all narcissistic mothers are emotionally needy, this mother shows the characteristic more openly than others. This is the mother you have to emotionally take care of which is a losing proposition to the child. The child's feelings are neglected and the child is unlikely to receive the same nurturance that he or she is expected to provide for the parent.
Is Your Partner a Narcissist? Ask Yourself These 50 Questions...
By Karyl McBride, Ph.D. For the full article, please click the linke below:
“If you have ever awakened at 3 a.m. with heart pounding and a vivid certainty that you must end the relationship with the person sleeping next to you, but the next day continued on as if such middle-of-the-night thoughts were just a bad dream, then you may need some help with the struggle of what to do next. The surreal Alice in Wonderland quality of living with a narcissist is not something we are born knowing how to deal with or even understand.”
By Christine. For the full article, please click the link below:
What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. The techniques used in “Gaslighting” by the narcissist are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement and other forces for decades.
What are the warning signs of gaslighting?
Second-guessing: Because a victim has had their confidence eroded by the constant gaslighting, they live in fear of doing the wrong thing, and making their situation even more dangerous for themselves.
Asking “Am I too sensitive?”: Projection and blame are the hallmarks of gaslighting, and the victim become hyper-sensitive to the constant humiliation of their abuser. They hear countless times that they are “too sensitive”, that they soon begin to believe the lies.
Apologizing: Living with the narcissistic Dr. Jekyll and Mr/s Hyde, the victim finds themselves always apologizing for “never doing things right”, they even apologize for their very existence; it is a way of avoiding more conflict with their aggressor.
Lacks joy and happiness in life (melancholy): If one lives under the constant tyranny of the gaslighting narcissist, they can expect extremes of lethal hostility.
Withholding information from others: Victims experience great shame about their situation; they get tired of trying to cover up their abuse as they go along.
Knowing something is terribly wrong, but can’t figure out what: The goal of gaslighting is to control and influence the reality of the gaslightee. It only works when the victim is unaware of what is really happening. The more the victim doubts their own reality or competence, the more dependent they become of the abuser.
Trouble making simple decisions: To be caught in the narcissistic web of deception and illusion is the equivalent to being a fly trapped in the spider’s web.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, and more relaxed: In order to survive, the victim enters into what is termed the “the narcissists dance”. This is an unconscious defense mechanism which helps to keep the victim safe, but in so doing they almost lose themselves by placating, complying, and appeasing.
You feel hopeless and joyless: What had once seemed like heaven has now turned into a hell. There is no peace or joy in this place, just fear and suppression.
Does the Narcissist Know? Certain Types Do...
By ANA. For the full article, please click on the link below:
The Narcissist is intentionally distorting and debilitating your reality through extreme manipulation so that you will become isolated and dependent on them as the center of your universe – it is called emotional and psychological abuse AND control!
Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?
By Scott Barry Kaufman. For the full article, please click on the link below:
The researchers administered a number of different measures of narcissism to college students and looked at how high-scorers are seen by others, how they see themselves and how they believe they are seen by others. They looked across social contexts and interviewed new acquaintances as well as friends and family. Their results across the three studies are strikingly consistent.
Unsurprisingly, they found that narcissists think they are hot stuff. Those scoring high in narcissism tended to rate themselves as more intelligent, physically attractive, likeable and funny than others. Interestingly, they also rated themselves as having higher levels of negative aspects of narcissism, such as being power-oriented, impulsive, arrogant and prone to exaggerate their abilities! Therefore, narcissists are aware they are narcissists.
Games Narcissists Like to Play
By Alexander Bergemeester. For the full article, please click the link below:
Narcissists are masters at playing mind games. They play to win and take no prisoners. They are poor losers and if they don’t win they will often react in a fit of rage and stomp away like a little child. The only way for the other person to win is to not play. You really have to be “on top of your game” to avoid them though.
Here are eight games that are lots of fun for one of the players: the narcissist who initiates them. And like the overgrown babies they are, if you refuse to play or appear to be winning their game, they will pout, whine or throw a tantrum until you concede or let them win. This is a humorous yet serious look at the many games' narcissists like to play, from the website The Narcissistic Life. Don’t play these games. Let them sulk and whine all by their widdle selves. Take the ball and go home.
Flying Monkeys: When They Send Spies and Minions...
By Joanna Moore. For the full article, please click on the link below:
For those who don’t know this term, “flying monkeys” are people that a narcissist uses to do their bidding. Sometimes, a narcissist will not attack you publicly in any way–which makes them look good–but they are privately telling carefully chosen people how evil and awful you are. They select these people the same way they chose you. They are experts at reading people and realizing who will make an easy target and a puppet. They also know who won’t, so they avoid the people they can’t easily use. Narcissists usually choose other, lesser, narcissists who will enjoy attacking you, or they choose very empathetic people who believe their stories and honestly believe they are supporting an innocent person. These flying monkeys then proceed to stalk you and report back to the narcissist–again, either to be mean or because they think they are helping the wronged party. Or, the worst flying monkeys will spread the lies the narcissist tells them privately by taking them public.
Et Tu Brute? Being Cautious of Narcissists on Online Dating Sites
By Roberta. For the full article, please click on the link below:
The world of internet romance is a playground for the personality disordered. You do not know who is really behind a profile. The narcissist, antisocial, and/or sociopath (mostly males) are particularly good at pretending to be someone else to have fun. The personality disordered has never had an easier time preying on gullible or desperate people. For the online predator sexual relations are thrilling conquests and nothing more. Charming and resourceful they are incapable of sincere emotion, shame, guilt, or love. The narcissist, sociopath, and antisocial person crave stimulation and excitement, live in the present moment unconcerned with the consequences of their behavior. All personality disordered individuals have character traits that are ingrained, enduring patterns of thinking, feeling, behaving, and perceiving. These enduring patterns are life-long, chronic, and highly incurable.
People coming out of a relationship can be vulnerable to the pathological because they need to heal. It takes time to get over someone you truly love. Bypassing the grief process stops discovery of the core issues that inhibited a satisfying partnership. Focusing on a new relationship avoids painful feelings of loss. It can also make you vulnerable to jump into a new relationship that feels wrong to end loneliness. Happy long-term relationships are formed by people who are already happy. Hooking up with the pathological will cause more pain and problems.
Why are Malignant, Narcissists Obsessed with Multiple Online Identities and Dating Sites?
By Shane Tennent. This comment is being included as it gives a great analogy of narcissists and why one should be leery of them with online dating. For the full excerpt, please click the link below:
"This is an analogy, so bear with me. Narcissists are social predators. They feed off people. They feed off attention. So, if we use the ocean in an analogy, Narcissists would be very similar to sharks. Sharks aren’t evil as such, but they do strike us as being relatively unfriendly and quite dangerous. By and large, we tend to avoid them for the sake of our health, unless there are a few inches of strong glass between us and them. Or, we give our attention to one of the milder species in the family.
As social predators, Narcs have learned how to swim through social situations. They know to listen for those key phrases and conversational tidbits that indicate if someone is likely to have dependency issues… or that overly optimistic person that has total faith in humanity… or that really giving guy in the corner who is desperately trying to make friends by giving away cigarettes or hits from his flask, or pens… they have learned to spot the personality “quirks” that indicate those people would be receptive to them."
You are Loved: Steps and Tips to Rebuilding You
Recovery for Adult Children of a Narcissist...
By Karyl McBride, Ph.D. For the full article, please click the link below:
Therapy has three parts: (1) Understand the background, history and diagnosis, (2) Deal with the feelings related to the history, (3) Begin to re-frame and view life through a different lens. The Wild West philosophy of “get over it already” does not work with this recovery program, nor do simple affirmations or initial cognitive behavioral work. This specialized recovery involves cleaning up trauma first and accepting that your parent is not going to change. The change will be within you.
The Revised Stages of Grief for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents
Acceptance: We have to accept first that the parent has limited love and empathy to give, or we cannot allow ourselves out of the denial and learn how to feel our feelings. Acceptance is the first step in recovery, after you realize the problem.
Denial: As children, we had to deny that our parents were incapable of love and empathy so we could survive. A child yearns for love above all else, and we needed the denial to keep growing and surviving.
Bargaining: We have been bargaining our whole life with the narcissistic parent, both internally and with them. We have been wishing and hoping that they will change, that they will be different the next time we need them. We have tried many things over the years to win their love and approval.
Anger: We feel intense anger and sometimes rage when we realize that our emotional needs were not met and that this neglect has affected our lives in severe, adverse ways. We feel angry with the parent and ourselves for allowing patterns to develop and for being stuck.
Depression: We feel intense sadness that we have to let go of the hope for and the vision of the kind of parent we wanted. We realize that they will never be as loving as we want them to be. We feel like orphans or un-parented children. We let go of all expectations. We grieve the loss of the vision of these expectations.
During the grief process, you will bounce around through all the stages, back and forth. Don’t move on in recovery until you solidly accept that your narcissistic parent has these limitations. For only then can you properly grieve. If you find yourself not accepting, go back and work on it again. It is the prerequisite for the work to come.
Low to No Contact
By ANA. For the full article, please click on the link below:
One of the hardest things about narcissistic abuse and going no contact, is getting to that point in time where we cross the line from WANTING the narcissist to love us & being devastated by the feelings that they don’t, along with everything that means to us and ACCEPTING that they are entirely and forever incapable of it.
Whether or not we loved ourselves before we met a narcissist, is irrelevant. The fact is, we were sold on the idea that a narcissist did love us in a grandiose narc fashion, then they went about the business of abusing us. In that abuse, they also relentlessly verbally berated us, insidiously blamed us over and over again, sending us the message that somehow the abuse was our fault and that we were not worthy of anything more.
By the time we wise up and decide to put them behind us, the habit, obsession and addiction takes over and drives us to think, feel and behave in ways that don’t rationally make any sense to us.
Time and time again, I’ve heard survivors say that they “know” they should be happy the narcissist is out of their lives and not have any feelings of missing their abuser, but to their dismay, they DO miss them and have feelings of longing they don’t understand. It’s difficult when your brain gets it, but your heart (and self-worth) isn’t on the same page.
Let’s explore what makes NO CONTACT, the thing that’s going to free us, save us and get us clear is so difficult:
YES. IT’S REAL. The narcissist is a very insidious abuser. It took me 3 years to call my situation abusive and I had to be led to that label by 3 mental health professionals and a superior court judge. Their disorder is one that cannot accept ANY accountability – so imagine each 24 hours that you spend in a narcissist’s presence will be full of ways, reasons, and “evidence” of how things are YOUR fault. Targets are responsible, empathic people to begin with. If, day in and out, we are told that happiness would be ours if we could just DO WHAT THE NARC SAYS or STOP what they tell us to stop. We begin to be so exhausted; we’ll buckle to the blame and try to fix it.
2) Our Focus is a Habit that is Dominated by the Narcissist
3) We Doubt Our Own Worth
Stay away from indulging in self-flagellating and criticizing statements. You are NOT to blame. You are NOT unlovable. and you did NOT deserve this. Instead, take these statements as REMINDERS to tell yourself the truth. You are WORTHY. You are LOVABLE. You have RIGHTS. You are NOT crazy, and you are NOT narcissistic.
4) Our boundaries have been trampled
5) We feel the need to be validated and it is not forthcoming from the narcissist
6) We Romanticize the relationship
Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself the emotions and luxury of time to be your WHOLE self again. Accept rather than judge your emotions. Let them have their day. We don’t want to hold these things in because the outcome is not good for us when we do, as this results in depression and disease. Get your feelings OUT where they won’t hurt you anymore. Give yourself the gift of No Contact.
What Does the Bible Say About Narcissistic Behavior?
PEOPLE WILL BE LOVERS OF THEMSELVES
By ANA. For the full story, please see the link below:
Narcissism is addressed in the Bible in Paul’s second pastoral epistle to Timothy (2 Timothy 3:1-7) in the fall of A.D.67. Paul seems to be concerned about the character and behavior of leaders within the church, so he warns Timothy to beware of those who act out of a “self-love attitude”. He says, “But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away.” Here Paul names many of the attributes associated (in psychology) to-day with the narcissistic personality we are all becoming so familiar with.
How to Heal from the Abuse of a Narcissistic Parent...
To recover from the emotional abuse caused by a parent with narcissistic tendencies, you must repair your reality—a reality that has been skewed and damaged by your experience of parenting. You are recovering from a serious interpersonal trauma. The repair process has nothing to do with (1) self-improvement, (2) fixing your parent, or (3) working on the relationship with your parent.
When you grow up around a parent with narcissistic qualities, you may be conditioned to believe that only the voice of that person matters. You may learn that only that person is allowed to have and express feelings and opinions. You may shut off your voice and needs in order to meet your parent’s needs. You may watch your other parent abide or acquiesce, and without thinking, the entire family may follow suit.
In order to heal, it is time to start focusing on what it means to experience self-value. Here are four strategies you can incorporate in your life from this day forward to “rewire” your brain and encourage self-value:
1. Develop Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion can prove quite challenging for some people. It can trigger emotional flashbacks in some individuals who have been exposed to cyclical abuse where compassion was part of the setup for the next attack. It can also be difficult for those who grew up in emotionally neglectful homes and rarely or never received compassion (Germer and Neff, 2014).
2. Eliminate Your Inner Critic and Toxic Shame
Your “inner child” holds on to the hope that if it becomes smart, helpful, talented, and flawless enough, your parent will finally love it. The continued failure to win the approval of the parent leads the inner child to conclude that it is defective and unlovable. Thus, the child learns through this self-reflection process to self-criticize (Neff, n.d.).
3. Build Self-Trust
Visualize your traumatized inner child and start developing a relationship with it that is comforting, accepting, strong, secure, and safe. The best way to learn self-trust is to start treating yourself well.
Because your parent with narcissism has trained you to focus only on their reactions, you may be conditioned to focus outside of yourself and may have no idea how to look internally at your own needs.
4. Exercise Self-Care
Because your parent with narcissism has trained you to focus only on their reactions, you may be conditioned to focus outside of yourself and may have no idea how to look internally at your own needs.
Our Prayer for You
We hope that the articles were able to answer questions you may have had about narcissists. Because they can be so cunning and show a different "face" to the world, it can be hard to understand how someone can hurt and undermine you and then quickly switch and make it seem like it never happened. Remember, ultimately, God knows all and sees all. There was a story about a man who recorded his girlfriend on his GoPro because no one believed how she attacked him. With or without evidence, know that you are sane, you can break free, and you can heal from the traumas you went through. Seek out counseling, read as many articles as possible on healing, and stay away from the person. Lastly, remember to walk in love.
For as many articles as we read about the subject, one of the most poignant explained that narcissists are really hurting people inside that may or may not ever be able to heal from their traumas. Jesus wants us to love everyone and while low or no contact may be best, still pray for the person, and don't relish on the pain, hurt, and heartache. Walk away and walk in God's love. A wound heals when you don't touch it. You have a wonderful life ahead of you. You are worthy of all the great things that God has in store for you, so don't let one person's hatred and rejection undermine your future. One post read, "The way a narcissist treats you, i.e., the vile, filth, meanness, and anger, is really how they feel about themselves inside." They are like parasites or vampires and detest to see themselves and try to project it onto others so they can adopt your pleasant and happy demeanor. The narcissist spirit is a demon, so be very careful with your heart. Pray for them to heal. The Bible says we are blessed and highly favored, fearfully and wonderfully made and that our latter days shall be better than the former. Those are God's promises to us, and the Bible has over 8,000 promises. The devil can't take that from you, so don't let him with his psychological games. Don't give up, don't quit., and don't kill yourself. You have a beautiful life ahead when you separate from the narcissists and their flying monkeys. Come out from among them! God has great things in store for you!
"Father God in the name of Jesus, we thank you for your love, Lord. Give us your peace Jesus. We pray for healing and restoration. Heal our hurts, heal our hearts, and renew our minds. You know all and see all, and you will bring justice to this situation. Please help us to have fresh thoughts, see the better future that is ahead, and please send loving people into our lives. We are not breaking down. We are breaking free, in Jesus's name! We're covered and we call on Jesus to help bring healing to our hurting hearts, Lord! Help us to start over, to heal, to move on, to let go of the past, and let our memories be blessed as we focus on love, healing, your favor, and great things to come, in Jesus's name, amen."
Your Comforter is coming, and we pray you see signs and evidence of good things to come in your future! Write to us in the comments section and let us know how you're doing. You can also share articles that you found, and we'll post them here for others to explore!
For additional help with healing your mind, look for Joyce Meyers' Battlefield of the Mind. It can be found on YouTube as a free audio book. Take the steps to focus on your healing because who the Son sets free is free indeed!
The Prayer of Salvation
If you haven't said the Prayer of Salvation, now's the perfect time: Father God in the name of Jesus, Lord, I ask forgiveness of my sins. Please come into my heart. I turn my back on sin and I make you my Lord and Savior. I want to follow you for the rest of my life. Please give me eternal life through you in Jesus' name, Amen.
Re-dedication to Christ Prayer
If you need to rededicate your life to Christ because you feel like you've been sinning or haven't been living right, pray Father God in the name of Jesus, I ask forgiveness of my sins and I turn my back on sin. Please help me to overcome ---- and I want to lead a better life through you. I decree and declare this day I have overcome ---- and I have the victory in Jesus' name, amen.
Find a good Bible based church, stay away from sin and temptation, read your Bible and keep seeking God first. He has great things in store for you!
Be ye doers of the Word... We pray this message blesses you today!