Shared via Jimmy Fallon:
"One year my grandmother was complaining about the awful snacks. She was eating potpourri."
"Two years ago, my aunt forgot the turkey and my cousin forgot the desserts, so it was just different kinds of potatoes."
"Should have used a pie pan."
"One Thanksgiving I tried out a new chocolate fondue fountain, but it spun out of control and got chocolate everywhere - - and then it hardened."
“My grandpa was making mashed potatoes when his dentures fell into them. He stared right at me and after he put them back in, said, ‘Don’t you tell a soul.'”
"One year, my mother-in-law was making gravy. She poured the gravy in the strainer and forgot to put a pan underneath, and it all went down the sink!”
“One year the turkey still had pink juice coming from it after cooking, but my dad said it was just ‘leg juice,’” one fan wrote in. “Everybody but me ended up with food poisoning.”
Shared via the Huffington Post...
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean...”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My husband and I make a good team. I'm about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he's taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: Everyone at work is sick.
Wife: Don't YOU get sick. We're going to my mom's for Thanksgiving.
Me [to coworker]: Spit on me right now.
Marriage is fighting over who gets the toilet when u get home from Thanksgiving dinner
Having two thanksgiving dinners in one day is a byproduct of marriage that I am not mentally or physically prepared for
“Hmmm, I thought I had some…….”
~My wife making something for Thanksgiving telling me I’m about to go to the grocery store.
In-laws are both gone. It's FINALLY my turn to make Thanksgiving dinner the way I want to!
*Researches which Chinese restaurants deliver*
The second hardest thing about spending Thanksgiving at my MIL's house is resisting the urge to tweet hilarious childhood photos of my wife.
Driving hrs to see inlaws, spending an entire day making a feast my kids will gag over,then cleaning?
Of course I'm excited ab Thanksgiving!
The post-Thanksgiving argument in our house.
My Wife: You've had enough pie!
Me: I had enough pie when the pie is gone!
One of my biggest fears is that I'll marry into a family that runs 5ks on holidays
"I'll clean the carver- you toss the carcass" - only time of year I can say that to my wife wo us sounding like MAFIA HITMEN. #thanksgiving
Husband: You're at the grocery store AGAIN?
Me: Well, yeah. I'm meal prepping for Thanksgiving. I need to feed thirteen people for a week. I have to get everything on my spreadsheet.
Husband: You have a spreadsheet?
Me: *scoffs* Who doesn't have a Thanksgiving spreadsheet???
I'm really enjoying Thanksgiving break with my kids.
Oh, wait. Never mind. They're awake now.
My 7 yo asked me to remind my in-laws, "Just because it's Thanksgiving doesn't mean grandparents can't give gifts".
Today's form of sibling torture: endlessly singing Thanksgiving songs & replacing the word "turkey"with your sister's name
Thanksgiving prep list:
Do we have enough liquor
for after they leave?
Any parent who says they are most thankful for something other than full school days is lying.
How I host Thanksgiving:
1. Survey messy house
2. Give up on cleaning anything
3. Get others to make the food
4. Hang out on Twitter
Spending a little extra $$ on a dressier pair of yoga pants this year so I can look fashionable while going back for thirds on Thanksgiving.
Volunteered to serve Thanksgiving feast at school because I obviously don't get enough of waiting on kids at home.
Let's try not to have Thanksgiving in ALL CAPS this year.
My secret holiday apple pie recipe:
1: forget to buy apples
2: storm around yelling about hot-wheels on floor
3: slam box of Gogurt on table
When it comes to an enjoyable Thanksgiving meal, I follow the 3 P's of comfort: Ponchos, Pregnancy Pants and Pepto Bismol.
I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.
Story shared courtesy MSN and Stacy Conradt: It’s 8 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day and you just realized you forgot to thaw your turkey. What do you do?
Don’t panic. You just need to call 1-800-BUTTERBALL. Yes, the Turkey Talk-Line is real. And yes, they really do have poultry experts standing by to help you with your last-minute snafus, flubs, and foul-ups. And they're open 24/7. If you wake up in a cold sweat at 2 a.m. thinking about salmonella or whether you can bathe your turkey with your toddler (see below), never fear—Butterball is there for you. And it's not just about Thanksgiving. The line is open in December, too, to help you with those holiday feasts as well.
When the hotline first opened up to panicked chefs in the early 1980s, a mere six “home economists” responded to 11,000 phone calls during November and December. These days, their staff has expanded to more than 50 and they answer more than 100,000 questions.
Those staff members have heard it all, too. They get the typical questions you’d expect turkey experts to get, of course: How long will it take to thaw the turkey? How do I stuff a turkey? Are there any allergens in Butterball products? But there’s also the, um, unexpected.
Among the more questionable calls the turkey experts have received: “Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?” and “The family dog is inside the turkey and can’t get out.” (It was a Chihuahua, in case you’re wondering, and the Butterball expert did manage to help the owners get the dog out safely.)
Another inexperienced caller worried that her turkey wouldn’t come out of the oven because she figured it was going to rise like bread does.
One Butterball employee actually stayed on the line while her caller walked through a grocery store and painstakingly picked out ingredients for his Thanksgiving dinner.
More recently, a hotline employee was surprised to hear from a wife who came home to find the turkey floating in the tub while her husband gave the kids a bath. Believe it or not, because the turkey hadn't been removed from the package, it was salvaged—though the kids complained about the chilly water.
Don’t feel bad if you have to call the Butterball hotline for assistance, though. Even President Bartlet knows when to call in the experts:
By the way, there’s also an option for those of you who prefer assistance in the form of written word: you can text your questions to 1-844-877-3456. The company is also answering questions via its social media channels, including Facebook and Twitter. And they've recently added Spanish-speaking experts plus their first male turkey-talker.