Shared via Jimmy Fallon...
"One year my grandmother was complaining about the awful snacks. She was eating potpourri."
"Two years ago, my aunt forgot the turkey and my cousin forgot the desserts, so it was just different kinds of potatoes."
"Should have used a pie pan."
"One Thanksgiving I tried out a new chocolate fondue fountain, but it spun out of control and got chocolate everywhere - - and then it hardened."
“My grandpa was making mashed potatoes when his dentures fell into them. He stared right at me and after he put them back in, said, ‘Don’t you tell a soul.'”
"One year, my mother-in-law was making gravy. She poured the gravy in the strainer and forgot to put a pan underneath, and it all went down the sink!”
“One year the turkey still had pink juice coming from it after cooking, but my dad said it was just ‘leg juice,’” one fan wrote in. “Everybody but me ended up with food poisoning.”
Shared via the Huffington Post...
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean...”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My husband and I make a good team. I'm about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he's taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: Everyone at work is sick.
Wife: Don't YOU get sick. We're going to my mom's for Thanksgiving.
Me [to coworker]: Spit on me right now.
Marriage is fighting over who gets the toilet when u get home from Thanksgiving dinner
Having two thanksgiving dinners in one day is a byproduct of marriage that I am not mentally or physically prepared for
“Hmmm, I thought I had some…….”
~My wife making something for Thanksgiving telling me I’m about to go to the grocery store.
In-laws are both gone. It's FINALLY my turn to make Thanksgiving dinner the way I want to!
*Researches which Chinese restaurants deliver*
The second hardest thing about spending Thanksgiving at my MIL's house is resisting the urge to tweet hilarious childhood photos of my wife.
Driving hrs to see inlaws, spending an entire day making a feast my kids will gag over,then cleaning?
Of course I'm excited ab Thanksgiving!
The post-Thanksgiving argument in our house.
My Wife: You've had enough pie!
Me: I had enough pie when the pie is gone!
One of my biggest fears is that I'll marry into a family that runs 5ks on holidays
"I'll clean the carver- you toss the carcass" - only time of year I can say that to my wife wo us sounding like MAFIA HITMEN. #thanksgiving
Husband: You're at the grocery store AGAIN?
Me: Well, yeah. I'm meal prepping for Thanksgiving. I need to feed thirteen people for a week. I have to get everything on my spreadsheet.
Husband: You have a spreadsheet?
Me: *scoffs* Who doesn't have a Thanksgiving spreadsheet???
I'm really enjoying Thanksgiving break with my kids.
Oh, wait. Never mind. They're awake now.
My 7 yo asked me to remind my in-laws, "Just because it's Thanksgiving doesn't mean grandparents can't give gifts".
Today's form of sibling torture: endlessly singing Thanksgiving songs & replacing the word "turkey"with your sister's name
Thanksgiving prep list:
Do we have enough liquor
for after they leave?
Any parent who says they are most thankful for something other than full school days is lying.
How I host Thanksgiving:
1. Survey messy house
2. Give up on cleaning anything
3. Get others to make the food
4. Hang out on Twitter
Spending a little extra $$ on a dressier pair of yoga pants this year so I can look fashionable while going back for thirds on Thanksgiving.
Volunteered to serve Thanksgiving feast at school because I obviously don't get enough of waiting on kids at home.
Let's try not to have Thanksgiving in ALL CAPS this year.
My secret holiday apple pie recipe:
1: forget to buy apples
2: storm around yelling about hot-wheels on floor
3: slam box of Gogurt on table
When it comes to an enjoyable Thanksgiving meal, I follow the 3 P's of comfort: Ponchos, Pregnancy Pants and Pepto Bismol.
I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.