Where is God? When You Feel Like God Failed You...


It was one of those days. I knew I wasn't myself. I just wanted to give up. All my bills were due. I was behind on everything and nothing was coming in. I'd applied for EVERY job I could find and nothing. I'm also a college graduate but still nothing. I KNEW it was God because He controls everything. I KNEW God was doing something. I just didn't understand.I didn't want to question God but I couldn't understand how He couldn't or wouldn't help me. Me? I was one of His biggest fans! What do you do when you fast and pray and you're obedient to God and it gets worse instead of better. I'll tell you what to do. Don't give up in transition. Call God on His Word.

When I prayed to Father God I thought of Elijah. I didn't want to give up and die. I wasn't feeling like that. I was feeling like I had no energy to go on. I pictured a mother giving birth but being in labor too long. I had no push left. Then I pictured the ravens feeding Elijah. And, I thought are the birds coming next? I didn't think I was depressed but I couldn't shake this. And, then one of my customers called with a big order. I thought, "Now?" I can't do this now. What are they asking of me? What do they want from me? I then pictured Jesus after the death of John. When John was beheaded, Jesus ministered to the crowds. He didn't grieve. He ministered THROUGH His grief. So, I contacted my client and got started on his order. I just didn't have it in me. But, in the back of my mind I could hear two things. I could hear a distant voice saying I needed my passion back. I could also hear a voice saying "I want you to give 100%". I think I had 1% left in my tank but I said, "Okay, Holy Spirit." I started randomly putting things together for my client and was trying not to speak negatively so I didn't say anything out loud but I was thinking, "I don't understand why God is doing this?" "I don't understand how my client can have a need now? Now? I'm hurting so much. Lord, why now?" I sent the drafts of the presentation to my client and realized it wasn't 100%. I was so stretched and so tired. I was trying not to murmur and complain but all I wanted to say was, "They want me to give when I'm trying to keep my lights on." I refused to say it and pushed through my client's order. About a day later, I was reminding myself of the Holy Spirit's words, "I want you to give 100%." I rethought the presentation and what was missing and knew right away my client was going about it all wrong. He wanted all these random samples. I knew what he needed was a few GREAT ideas. So I started putting them together. As I did, I found more ideas and I started looking at all the creative ways I could enhance his presentation. I realized I was getting my groove back...and that's part of this metamorphosis and transition we're going through now.  


Talk about Easter and the death of a thing.